Thoughts on Transformation

I wrote this piece for a UUCS service on Transformation held July 2, 2017.

I’m a self-help book junkie. My bookshelves are lined with titles like Designing Your Life, Codependent No More, You Are a Badass, and Always Hungry. And that is just on one shelf in my bedroom. My basement and local thrift stores are full of my search for personal growth discards. And the golden goose of self-help is a good makeover story; I love me a makeover.

Maybe it started in my youth reading fairy tales and children’s books where transformation is a common theme. Take The Ugly Duckling, who starts off life homely, ridiculed by others, only to transform into a beautiful swan. Sweet redemption! Or Cinderella. Our heroine, tortured by her evil stepmother and stepsisters only to be magically transformed by her fairy godmother and win the heart of the prince. Oh how these stories appealed to this chubby, big-boned girl from Michigan, giving me hope that some day I too would be a swan and get the prince.

My love of a good makeover didn’t end with puberty. Pretty Woman -- the quintessential optimist story where all it takes for a hooker in LA is the love of a good man and a visit to Rodeo Drive to unearth her true self. A tad unrealistic, yes, but I still clap at the end when Richard Gere pulls up riding the limo like a knight.

Even now, I’ll watch pretty much any reality TV show based on a renovation — from Biggest Loser’s body makeovers, What Not to Wear's wardrobe makeovers, to Fixer Upper home makeovers, and Hoarders, or as I refer to it, pet and newspaper collection makeovers. There is something in my psyche that loves to see someone go from awkward to confident or fat to thin.

My favorite part is the big reveal — possibility incarnate. Seeing someone else transform, inspires us and reminds us that we too can improve, that we have potential. If all these people, real people that we can all relate to, can turn their lives around, there is hope for all of us. The mom of 3 kids who only wears sweatpants, the guy who after college stopped working out, the house who still has the same carpet from 1987. All seemingly full of possibility.

However, the reality is that many of these makeover subjects end up reverting back. Almost all of the biggest losers gain back some of the weight. Season 1 winner Ryan Benson regained what he lost and what’s worse, he gained guilt and shame that he now feels publicly. And sadly 4 out of 5 of people featured on Hoarders, go back almost immediately to hoarding.

So why do they revert? Because life isn’t a movie or a fairy tale and true transformation goes way deeper than a superficial overhaul covered in a 30-minute TV show. Over my 44 years of self exploration, working as a health coach, and lots (LOTS) of self-help reading, I’ve learned a few things about transformation:

1 - You must be willing and ready. I love the quote by Anais Nin — “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Often, the subjects on Hoarders are unwilling participants, unhappy having to part with their possessions. For them, the pain of their lifestyle was not yet enough to outweigh the pain of change.

2 - True transformation doesn’t start on a set date. Take New Year's resolutions. Research shows only 8% of people who set a New Year's resolution actually achieve their goal. Because, as Tony Robbin’s says (and I'm paraphrasing because I couldn't find the actual quote) -- when you’re ready to change, you want that change to start today. Not tomorrow, not Monday, and not on the 1st. But now.

3 — Transformation is gradual and doesn’t happen overnight. It took me ten years to transform from a doormat to a divorcee. It takes time to do the personal work required to change from a caterpillar to a butterfly.

4 — Most importantly, transformation comes from within. You must want it for yourself. Change doesn’t happen because Jillian Michaels tells you to. She sure as hell isn’t there when I get up at 5am to workout. I do that for me.

So while makeover shows make for good TV, and can provide inspiration, for long-term transformation, look within and be patient. And reading a few self-help books along the way doesn’t hurt.