Robb

How do you title a post like this? It isn't a glowing eulogy or a sappy tribute piece. These are my memories of Robb Barwis, a whip-smart, hilarious young man who was my stepson for 13 years and who recently took his own life.

I met Robb when he was 13. I was dating his father and he wasn't thrilled about it. His mother had died just a year earlier and that wasn't enough time for a teenage boy to process the loss. I didn't quite know it then, but I learned through my own mother's passing in 2010, that there are not enough years in our lifetimes to process the loss of your mother.

Robb took a very long time to warm to me. Our first Thanksgiving together was awkward and uncomfortable. Even when his father and I decided to buy a home together eight months later, proximity did not make Robb and I closer. I don't think we hugged for the first three years.

Teenage Robb loved paintball and said he was going to be a marine. He was always very self-conscious of his weight and he struggled inwardly with self-esteem. You wouldn't have known it though -- he led with bravado, ego and intelligence. He wanted everyone to know he was smarter than they were.

We spent a week every summer in Duck, North Carolina. Robb loved the beach but refused sunscreen and would end up with horrific and painful sunburns. He was so stinkin' stubborn.

We fought over Robb's belief that Kayne West was a genius; I just thought Kanye was (and still is) an egotistical tool. Robb held fast to his Kanye beliefs but my liberal bent influenced him on most other topics. We got closer as he got older. He started working out and we connected on fitness. He played football in high school and enjoyed it, but when he stopped growing at 5'-11", his dreams of being a football star were dashed. He took up theater and nailed his one line as a photographer in the school play. In time, he abandoned paintball and thoughts of being a marine.

I was Robb's main parent when his father deployed during Robb's junior and senior years of high school. I was there for junior prom, Parent's Night during the football season, his 18th birthday, and homecoming pictures. This brought us closer.

Robb had a short fuse and a sharp tongue. At times, he was like an injured animal, lashing out with cruel retorts. He was especially rough on Ruby, which put me in this place of wanting to love and understand Robb, but ultimately needing to protect my baby girl.

Humor was a tool often wielded by Robb and his siblings, John and Alex. Boy, they would make me laugh. The three of them were a tightly bound trio forged by blood, sadness and loss. And addiction.

Penny, our sweet chocolate lab, brought out the best in Robb. He showered her with love and even let her sleep with him. My favorite pictures of Robb are of the two of them together.

I believe Robb was a boy stuck in a grown man's body. Frozen in time at eleven years old and the morning his mother died. Unfair and unbelievable trauma shaped him. He desperately craved approval and love. He was so smart that his immaturity felt incongruent. He would be brilliant one moment and a thoughtless teen boy the next. I woke up one morning and came downstairs to a huge blob of jelly on the kitchen floor. He had made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, dropping a remarkable amount of jam, and did not notice.

Things started to change when Robb left for college. He got early acceptance to Penn State and joined a fraternity, but ended up having to come home after two semesters due to some alcohol-related incidents. He was humbled but attended NOVA Community College. He applied himself and this allowed him to transfer to Virginia Tech where he graduated with a Marketing degree in 2017. I helped him get an internship at AOL and his future looked bright. But the drinking was a looming issue.

It was then that Robb started pulling away. He didn't come to Duck one summer. Didn't come home for every holiday. And when we did see him, he was often drunk, angry and nasty. He moved out officially in 2018, at about the same time that my relationship with his father was eroding. The last time I saw Robb was in April of 2018. This is the last picture I took of him, with Penny.

After talking to his dad, I now know that Robb continued to struggle with demons for the last six years. He pulled further away and isolated himself from his family and friends. I hurt knowing that after spending 13 years as his stepmom, I hadn't been in contact with him during his time of greatest struggle. I did try, but not hard enough.

Robb was an atheist and did not believe in anything after death, another point we disagreed on. I believe in a higher power and that the spirits of our loved ones who have passed are all around us. I believe he is now forever one with his mom and his dear sweet Penny. That belief gives me solace knowing he is now surrounded by the peace and love he longed for.

P.S.

A few months ago, I purged some of my old cards and mementos. After writing this post, I remembered that I kept one card in particular. From Robb. Why did I keep that one? I don't know, but I'm glad I did.