God winks

I'm a pretty typical spiritual but not-religious Gen Xer. My version of God is more with a little "g," but when my mom was dying, her best friend introduced me to the term "God winks" and I love how it captures the idea of coincidental connections that just make you acknowledge a greater power. Today is a God wink kind of day.

In 2015, I went on a 3-week safari and felt mom guilt leaving my tween daughter Ruby behind at home. To assuage that guilt, I bought tickets for my stepdaughter to take Ruby to see Dear Evan Hansen when it was still a little unknown stage production at the Kennedy Center (thanks again for the tip Diane Hurley). Ruby absolutely loved the show and we've listened to the soundtrack together countless times, singing joyfully in the car.

Cut to tonight. I am going to see Dear Evan Hansen for the first time...on the 11-year anniversary of my mother's death from gallbladder cancer.

Mom was my person. She was the person I'd call when I had a problem, but also just to feel connected to another human. She was good, caring, and charismatic. A role model for my own parenting, she listened and loved deeply. Shortly before she died, we were discussing her final wishes; she wanted to be cremated, but to have her ashes buried with a gravestone so she "would not be forgotten."

Just as with Ruby and me, Mom and I shared a love of music, particularly emotionally charged, big theatrical numbers. She took me to my first musical production, West Side Story. She loved Glee, Josh Groban and I'm sure given the chance, she would have loved Dear Evan Hansen too. As I listen to the soundtrack now, I am moved to extremes of joy and melancholy.

Spoiler alert, Dear Evan Hansen centers around a suicide. The resulting main themes -- imperfect parenting, feeling that we are not alone, remembering our loved ones after they are gone -- are all hitting me squarely in the chest today. I almost feel sorry for the folks who will be sitting around me as all of these God winks swirl into a big stew of emotions bubbling to the surface.

So in the spirit of Dear Evan Hansen and remembering our loved ones, I felt compelled to write about Mom today. And by writing, I feel a little less alone in my grief.

Wish me luck tonight. Don't worry, I've already stashed plenty of tissues in my purse.